I’m not going to lie to you, I hesitated to put this out there. I’ve tried to write it and then re-write again, and even deleting it entirely before somehow finding the courage to type the words and pushing “publish” on the screen. You may be wondering…”you have a diary?” Well yes. Yes I do. It’s not like the diary that we stereotypically believe only girls to keep their “deepest darkest secrets in”. It’s not really that at all. I’m not going to talk about crushes or “rumors” or really anything like that. IF you want that, go watch TMZ. However, this is like a promise to myself to find my voice again by sharing my truth.
And hopefully, along the way, you can find yours too.
The reason why this is all really happening, I guess, is because to be honest (I’m gonna say to be honest a lot so get used to it), I reached a dark turning point in my life.
I was in my room, pacing back and forth. I couldn’t tell you what day it was. I couldn’t tell you the time, but it was dark outside and everyone around me was asleep. Funny enough, it was dark inside too. The lights were on, but somehow darkness took over my entire room. I wouldn’t call it sadness, because it’s much deeper than that. For those who know this feeling, can probably relate. If you don’t understand, the best way I can describe it is a feeling of hopelessness that causes a sickness in your stomach. You feel lost.
Even worse, you’re lost trying to be found in wrong ways.
I remember I picked up the phone, trying to be found again, and I dialed a number I never thought I’d dial in my life: 1-800-273-8255. If I’m being honest, I never had a plan for hurting myself, but I didn’t have a clear plan for living either. It was this weird in between.
A woman picked up on the other line and for 43 minutes and 15 seconds, I shared my truth. I talked about the pain I was going through, the heartbreak I’d experienced, the pain I’ve caused, and the confusion of it all. That was the first time, in a while where I believed I was close to being close to my voice again.
And that’s what this diary is about: working consistently to find the voice again. Because I believe what was once lost can soon be found again. And after two years of working to “perfect” thehidden, this diary is a living testament that I’ve realized no journey is perfect. Instead each journey is a combination of failures, successes and overall triumphs. And it’s within these pages of my diary that I hope to expose it all for the purpose of empowering you to be closer to your own voice.
I hope you’re ready for the ride ;)