“I’m okay” said everyone ever.
It became a common practice for me to sit up, in the morning, before starting my day, and tell myself “I’m okay.” But the more and more that I told myself that, the less and less I actually felt “okay.”
On February 22nd, at 4:43 am, I wrote the words “I am not okay” in a small black and white composition notebook. The craziest part of it all, is writing that statement didn’t even scare me. If anything it liberated me. For once, I felt like I was being honest with myself, while sitting at the edge of my bed with the notebook spread across my lap. With a blue pen, I tried to write the answer that got me to this point.
Maybe it was the world heading in a really bad direction. Maybe it was sadness that my senior year was almost over. Maybe it was the break up. Maybe it was the feeling of overwhelmedness of having so much going on at once. Or maybe it was all of that combined into one big cry. Either way, I was up at 4:43 in the morning demanding answers.
And the answer was this: I suffer from social anxiety and situational depression.
Never really wrote about that, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t hide it anymore. For years, you try to hide stuff like that. You try to bottle it up and pretend you’re “okay”. You go through the motions, almost numb to the fact that you’re really not okay. Some of my friends knew about it. I think actually only a few. She knew about it, for sure.
There were times when I’d get so “worked up”, I’d escape to the bathroom and breath deeply over a stall. “Calm down, Wes.” I’d tell myself. I didn’t want to throw up or anything. I just had these weird series of feelings that made me feel like the world around me was crashing down.
Some call this “excessive worrying” or “overthinking” or “bugging out.” But all of that is really bs. Anxiety, for me, is having all these questions pop into your mind at once. Anxiety, for me, is my mind acting as if it has 100 tabs open and can’t decide which one to look at first. Anxiety, for me, is sweating under your armpits when feeling uncomfortable or feeling your heartbeat in your stomach. I’m no doctor, so of course I didn’t “diagnose myself”.
I actually saw a psychologist, a therapist, and even a cool support group. And through doing all of that, I learned that it’s okay to not be okay.
So on that note...I started to ask myself “How can I go back to thehidden if I’m not feeling okay?”
Well I believe it’s okay to not be okay as long as you try to better yourself. Thehidden is my way of bettering myself to be myself and hopefully helping others do the same.
Actually on that note, I want to share some advice. I call them “anxious tools” (trademark pending...lol) When you find yourself feeling low, there are some cool things you can do. And no... It’s none of that corny stuff like “call a friend and cry about your feelings.” It’s actually cool stuff, that I use myself:
Ask yourself, honestly, why are you feeling low?
What’s triggering you? What happened? Can you or can you not control it?Then, take out a notebook and write about it. (I call this looking in the mirror)
Sometimes you need to go crazy. I pick a song, and turn it all the way to a high volume and bug out. (anything by Tyler The Creator should do.) by the end I feel better.
I know now we can’t go somewhere and see friends. But go walk somewhere (with a mask on) or drive somewhere aimlessly.
Run in a straight line.
Run in a straight line, outside your house, for a few paces. Run as if every anxious feeling is chasing you. You may think this is crazy, but by the end of it your heart rate is so fast and you're so outta breath...you forget what you’re anxious about. (match this with Tyler The Creator’s Who Dat Boy for good results)
These four things can be seen as stupid for some, but don’t be so quick to laugh them off because dark times are dark times and there may not be a light at the end of the tunnel. Therefore, you have to learn how to be your own light.
Damn. That was really some Oprah type advice or something you’d hear on Dr.Phil.
Anyway, I digress. If you read this far, I want to say that even though I’m not “okay” I’m working to be okay. And that’s the best part of it all.
I guess we’ll talk about this more again soon, you and I. Thanks for reading my diary. I hope you at least learned something.
Until next time,
p.s (do people say ps in their diaries? whatever)