Hey Diary readers, and soon to be friends (if we aren’t already). Welcome back to another installment of “HIDDEN THOUGHTS” (read that in a cool announcer voice for dramatic effect).
Not going to lie to you, today was ass. I don’t really swear a lot, in my writing, but there is no other way to describe today other than saying it was straight ass. I woke up late, which was bad because I had only 10 minutes to spare before I had to get on a conference call with my business advisor who’s currently in Tokyo. I couldn’t get on the call before feeding and walking my dog, Bentley, around the block. If I didn’t, he’d just cry the whole time until he got what he wanted: a walk.
So I get up, take Bentley out, and come back for the phone call with two minutes to spare. How did I feed Bentley AND walk him in under 8 minutes? I cannot tell you. But here we are: sitting at my desk with crust in my eyes and my hair looking like I just woke up....which I did. Oh wait...it’s a video conference?
So then I rush to the bathroom, clean my face, put a hidden hoodie on just in time before we go live. And then, the discussion begins…That wasn’t even the ASS part of the day. Actually, the call went SPECTACULAR.
No, the ass part of my day was when I sat down to start working on a secret project (can’t really get into specifics but I can say IT'S BIG), and by the time I was finished I just got so sad. And that, ladies and gentlemen of the diary, is what leads us to the HIDDEN THOUGHT of the day: self doubt.
When I finished working on what I had to do, I stopped and looked at it for like 15 minutes! I started to question if it was any good in the first place. And that is when the ASS part of my day began.
I can’t make this up, ladies and gentlemen of the diary, self doubt has invaded my mind more than I could possibly desire. In fact, it’s stayed in my mind so much that I have self-diagnosed myself with CSQD; which is just fancy terms for CONSTANT SELF QUESTIONING DISORDER.
We’ve all been there and heard the “voice”. (side note it’s not the voice I’m intentionally looking for). It’s actually the opposite. It’s the voice that says “Is this good enough?” or “why would anyone want to buy something like this?” or “what the hell is the point of all of this?” It’s the voice you probably started to hear when you first took performance exams, or tests, in school. You know, the voice that would say “you chose answer B, but could it possibly be answer C?” And then you sit there trying to go over your work and hoping that you’ll get the “right answer” which will make the voice go away.
For me, the voice never goes away. In fact, my anxiety makes the voice even louder which makes me get more anxious! It’s like CSQD and my anxiety are double teaming me and I can’t get a shot off. (that was a basketball reference).
Here’s the danger of it all, though, self doubt can kill your creativity and your ambition. I’ve witnessed this myself.
6 months ago, CSQD was screaming in my mind! Nothing was being produced. I had started putting stuff together, sending it into production, only to have it all pulled back because the voice was saying “that’s not going to sell.” or “you made that? Eh..not good enough.”. To be honest, I fully admit that thehidden didn’t produce anything because I was doubting myself...extremely doubting myself.
As a natural perfectionist, who suffers from anxiety, CSQD is like adding gasoline to an already existing flame. If you have this too, you probably understand what I am getting at.
But, although today was ASS, I’ve realized the secret weapon to kill CSQD. Call it a vaccine or an anti-serum. That vaccine is made up of three key elements: self compassion, self belief, and a little bit of “f-them”. Let’s call it SSF (I have a thing for acronyms...deal with it.). Allow me to break down SSF by the following elements.
We have to remember that we are not perfect people. As much as we try, sorry to break it to you , but we are not perfect. I HAVE TO REMEMBER THIS. That doesn’t mean we won’t do good things...because we will. However, everything can’t be good. Cut yourself some slack in understanding that. The moment I looked at my secret project again, I realized that even though it’s not perfect, I still have a few months to get it right. I told myself “ah...didn’t get it today, but there’s always tomorrow.” Telling myself this started to actually change my mood, believe it or not.
Everything is good in moderation...including being cocky sometimes. Sometimes you have to tell yourself you’re the best in the world at something. Scientists, and I can’t make this up, have proven that self belief can directly lower the impact of CSQD. Beat yourself on the chest and tell yourself “I’m all that and a bag of chips” (or whatever self empowering phrase tickles your fancy.) I had to tell myself I’m the best in the world at executing this secret project because if I wasn’t it would have never come across my desk in the first place.
You know who “them” is...it’s that dude that’s always hating on you, the girl who you think will judge you, the ex-whatever who broke your heart and who you think is watching your every move, your third grade teacher, that one professor who gave you that C-, or whatever...F THEM! Them represents outside opinions that DO NOT MATTER. I had to learn this the hard way. There have been so many times I’ve passed up on things because I cared about what “they” would think. Come to think about it CSQD...the voice in your mind...that’s your mind creating the voices of “them” to deter you from doing the thing you are trying to do! Our brain can play evil tricks on us if we don’t control it. So on that note...fuck them.
Be your own person. Bet on yourself. Like I said before, you’re the best in the world at what you do so why does their opinion matter? They’re not the best at this thing...you are.
I want to take back what I said at the beginning of this diary post. Today wasn’t an ASS day at all. Come to think of it, as I finish writing this, it’s 5:32 PM and reflecting about my self doubt..really turned the day around. Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the diary for traveling with me as I reached this cool conclusion…
I hope you reached a conclusion too and if not, come back to this entry the next time CSQD wants to sneak up on you.
...I know I will.
Well as they say, that’s all folks! Thank you for reading. I gotta go walk Bentley...again.
Until next time,